Most women come into being with hope, warmth, and playfulness. Critical mothers interrupt the trust and safety needed to foster a secure identity. How do their daughters make sense of that as they make the transition into womanhood?
Daughters of Critical Mothers are in need of a safe space for healing. As clinicians, we hold the responsibility of walking alongside them on their journey to wholeness. For best practice, it’s vital to understand the unique patterns, beliefs, and behaviors that result from this form of attachment wound. While similar to other forms of Complex Trauma, this type of Mother Wound requires special clinical considerations. We must come ready in our practice with a holistic understanding and integrative toolbox.
The Impact of Critical Mothers
Daughters of Critical Mothers experience trauma that’s similar to “a wound by one thousand paper cuts.” Overtime, the subtle jabs and put-downs erode the daughter’s identity and confidence. Unlike more aggressive forms of childhood abuse, the impact is slow and insidious. As a result, the trauma is difficult to understand and challenging to treat.
Clients raised by a critical mother might recall early experiences such as:
- Seldom or Complete Lack of Verbal Affirmation
- Overbearing Suggestions for Changes in Appearance or Behavior
- Subtle Put-Downs for Minor Mistakes
- Overreactions to Differences in Opinions
- Downplaying, Criticizing, or Expressing Jealousy of Major Accomplishments
- Criticizing or Attacking Friends and Significant Others
As a clinician, it’s vitally important to hold space for these experiences as a very real trauma. In an attempt to self protect, these women might minimize, joke about, or gloss over these formative experiences. By offering an approach that gently validates their distress, we give the client permission to begin to unpack the pain.
Becoming comfortable and competent when working with this specialized population takes time and practice. For clinical support, you can download the Daughters of Critical Mothers Clinicians Workshop for resources, insight, and case vignettes.
Adult Daughters of Critical Mothers
Women who grew up in a harsh environment with a critical mother experience lasting impacts. As an adult, they may struggle with anxiety, depression, unhealthy coping skills, and relationship problems. These women often have difficulty setting boundaries, making decisions, and maintaining relationships.
Adult Daughters of Critical Mothers often carry the weight of shame, self-doubt, and unworthiness. As a result, they become stuck in a holding pattern that prevents joy and fulfillment. These woman often overlook any amount of accomplishment. Overtime, it feels as though nothing will be enough to achieve satisfaction in life.
What’s more, these women often experience significant fear around motherhood. No matter where they are in recovery, they fear, and sometimes dread, the process of becoming a mother figure. In some cases, they may pull away or even become critical of their own children.
As clinicians, we are responsible for creating a safe container to begin to unpack these experiences. Navigating clinical challenges like denial, resistance, and transference requires a gentle approach. Of note, being too direct may trigger a shut-down response in the client.
In my experience, a combination of a person-centered, complex trauma-informed, holistic approach to treatment yields the most impactful results when working with adult Daughters of Critical Mothers.
Utilizing Complex Trauma Approaches
Processing Mother Wounds closely resembles working with the Complex PTSD population. Although Daughters of Critical Mothers come in many shapes and sizes, we see the same patterns of behaviors such as defensiveness, fragility, and detachment.
What is Complex PTSD? What is PTSD?
Trauma happens when there is an unbearable and threatening experience that can not be escaped*. When this experience overwhelms the nervous system and the psyche, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) occurs. If not addressed, the trauma becomes embedded in the body. Consequently, the individual’s resilience, relationships, and sense of self are impacted and impaired.
Complex PTSD is the exact experience of PTSD but it is trickier. C-PTSD is often experienced when very young, before the brain has fully developed an awareness of right and wrong. C-PTSD results from a trauma that is repeated, prolonged, and becomes embedded in the body and psyche. This type of trauma is recoverable, but it takes much more time and flexibility. To offer the appropriate level of therapeutic support, a broad skill set and knowledge base of trauma-informed treatment approaches is needed. Furthermore, the therapist must possess strong boundaries, patience, and a caring demeanor.
Individuals diagnosed with C-PTSD often face challenges with substance abuse, toxic relationships, and a lack of inner guidance. Similarly, Daughters of Critical Mothers display a variety of traits that may hinder therapeutic progress. Emotional dysregulation and a distorted perception of their mother often create a barrier to healing. Thus, these protective walls need to be replaced with a sense of self that’s rooted in awareness and acceptance.
Considering these similarities, Daughters of Critical Mothers greatly benefit from the use of Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). This popular approach for C-PTSD treatment has been clinically-proven to be effective at addressing resistance. In fact, it can jumpstart the process of healing by connecting the brain and body. By illuminating the ways the trauma is stored in the body, we provide a tangible path to rebuilding neural pathways.
Are you an EMDR clinician looking for guidance with this population? Schedule a clinical consultation to enhance your practice.
Clinical Response to Holistic Techniques
Working with Complex PTSD requires a holistic clinical skill set. In the same way, Daughters of Critical Mothers are in need of integrative support. We as clinicians need to come ready with a full toolbox that empowers the client to reconnect the mind, body, and spirit. In particular, grounding exercises, guided meditations, healing mantras, and creative activities are highly effective.
Reconnecting to the body, tuning in to the mind, and incorporating the creative spirit are vital for healing. For example, exploring imagery, unpacking in Parts, and learning to ground in the body are impactful and important additions to traditional talk therapy.
Critical mothers are incapable of providing the care required for a secure identity. For this reason, these women need to re experience themselves being seen, heard, felt, and understood. Using holistic techniques allows the client to re-parent, repair, and rebuild their inner self.
I often recommend beginning and closing each session with a holistic technique. For best practice, use exercises that the client can implement outside of therapy. You might also consider encouraging the client to choose a specific image, item, or mantra to return to throughout the session and the week.
To get you started, you can take advantage of this free resource: Creatively Calm Mandala Moment
Power in Numbers
When it comes to Mother Wounds, there is power in numbers. Whether in the form of a support group or therapy group, the shared processing creates a natural container and a safe space to sift through challenging emotions and memories.
Daughters of Critical Mothers often feel incredibly isolated. After a toxic experience with a mother, the adult daughter often develops a distrust of women. Consequently, she struggles to find, accept, and trust in supportive relationships.
Connecting with women who have shared life experiences significantly supports the healing process. Sharing with others helps to break the grip of shame and lessen feelings of isolation. After all, shame hides and has no light. Being seen and not ignored, validated and not criticized, offers the nervous system a profound avenue for repair.
Participation in a support group provides the psyche a new experience. The safe and supportive space fills the void of the earlier, non life-affirming experience. Repeatedly receiving empathy rebuilds trust and illuminates a new way of being, seeing, and feeling.
The Daughters of Critical Mothers Foundations Course and Online Therapy Group is a terrific option for support and is open for referrals.
It’s a great responsibility and honor to play such a vital role in gently guiding the recovery process. Clinical breakthroughs require time, patience, and expertise. However, Daughters of Critical Mothers are capable of healing with comprehensive therapeutic guidance.
By using a trauma-informed lens, person-centered approach, integrative techniques, and group support, we as clinicians can help women overcome the Mother Wound. Within the container of a safe therapeutic relationship, these resilient women take control of their healing process, discover the light, and step into their highest potential.
If you’re interested in additional resources, take a moment and learn more about the Overcoming the Mother Wound program and Daughters of Critical Mothers courses. The program offers a wealth of resources, with support for both clinicians and their clients. Click here to learn more.
About The Author:
Mari Grande is a New York City-based licensed Creative Arts Therapist, Clinical Social Worker, Thought Leader, Educator, and Coach with more than 20 years of experience in trauma healing and recovery. By working closely with the mind/body connection, attachment theory, and the power of creativity, she draws upon her integrative background to alleviate the impacts of relational and generational trauma. Mari is passionate about working with women who have experienced a Mother Wound, and offers various online courses that provide guidance, support, and insight for Daughters of Critical Mothers.
*Peter Levine, In an Unspoken Voice